So I was going to take this opportunity to rant on the perils which is being an intern but then it hit me that the perils of being in love are far more universal so on the off chance that anyone does take the time to read this they shall be like “Oh dude, I totally know what she’s ranting about.” Then we will both feel just a tiny bit less alone in this world.
So there’s this guy… (that should be a warning right there)
He’s amazing. In the kind of way that no one truly sees just how amazing he is unless they invest time to truly TRULY get to know him. He was that guy that I liked in both elementary school and highschool but never really was his friend. He was far removed from my friends and had a social circle of his own - mind you this circle was widely regarded as the giant nerds.
Today he is still a giant nerd. Literally the man who introduced me to the world of Dungeons and Dragons. Let me just take a moment to say that I don’t pretend to like things that the guy I am dealing with likes just for the sake of the guy, I don’t… so when I say that I enjoy playing D&D it’s because IT’S ACTUALLY SO MUCH FUN! Why it had been kept from me for so many years I will never forgive but I digress.
Anyways this amazing guy has had some serious shit happen to him in life. The kind of shit that makes you wonder how he manages to smile, how he manages any sort of relationship with the other humans. I know crap happens to us all, but when I say that he got a crappy hand in the poker game which is life I don’t say that lightly. And I also don’t say this to excuse him from any of the nights he has made me cry or the days that he was left me in a state of anxiety. But to say he is a damaged individual would be putting things lightly.
So when he told me he didn’t believe in love anymore, or trust women anymore I was crushed and thank the good lord I have an exceptional poker face so it seemed that I was indifferent to this because we are strictly in a physical relationship. (oh yea there be sex - not tons of it but quality QUALITY sex ugh …. anyways)
I have never been in a long serious relationship nor have I been in a physical relationship either. So I’m pretty much Bambi these days stumbling on brand new legs wondering if I don’t look too idiotic trying to walk. And today for the first time I admitted to myself that after only two shorts months of being with this insanely frustrating, nerdy, crazy, damaged, beautiful human being I am in love with him.
I admit it. I love him. In that kind of way that makes me hate him all at the same time. The kind that can get me back on my blog after literally years of not posting a single thing.
I nearly broke things off with him when it became severely obvious that we were never going to be anything more than sex buddies, I made a plan and began the process of putting my emotions in a tiny box that I could bury in the sand and forget about forever so that I could move on with my life. But then something changed. But then he started acting like the kind of person that wants a relationship.
After a brief episode of me screaming at him about the problem with mix signals and how he was going to receive physical abuse from me in the event that I was ever to be called babe EVER AGAIN! Babe is the name of that pig that went to the city in that movie… I’m not a pig! I would much rather be called darling, or goddess divine or mamo. Mamo is just the way spanish people abbreviate mi amor which means my love. Mamo, my love, its adorbs.
Anyways yesterday was a shit storm of mixed signals in which I literally felt like we were in a state of old married coupleness and I didn’t know, I don’t know what to make of it. I have been told that overthinking it will probably kill us dead in whatever tracks we may be building but as a female of the human race I practically can’t!
There wasn’t even a kiss exchanged yesterday but we still had a hellavu time just being in each other’s company. He took a nap in my lap and I spent a good two hours just stroking his hair and massaging his neck. I have a shitty internship that i’m “working” on and doing a crap load of work for but in those two hours which he didn’t even speak to me for he was just near me I can’t describe to you the depths of my happiness. The man irritates me and sometimes doesn’t know when to shut up but he makes me ridiculously happy. I can think about him and nothing bothers me. Life is better with him in it and I wish for him to know it.
I wish for him to know that he is loveable, that he is worth the affection and love of another human being, of a woman who doesn’t want to jerk him around. A woman who will stick by him when he is being insane and solitary and cray. That he is deserving of happiness as well. But that’s where the whole thing goes to the crapper… I have zero idea if I make him as happy as he makes me. Zero.
People tell me it’s obvious that he cares about me and that there is potential between us for more but I don’t really care what they say because none of that is coming from him. I have my insecurities as much as the next person and while I do subscribe to the idea that I’m awesome and anyone would be lucky to have me in their lives I do also NEED to know whether he is willing to take the chance to need me in his.
The way I have undoubtedly come to need him in mine.